2013 Intention: Being Kinder to Me

What being kinder to me means 

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God speaks gently

A family member has been coming to me for some weeks now, for help/comfort/advice with a marriage problem.  Lately, she has adopted the habit of dropping by my house in the early mornings, right after her 5am walk and just as I’m also preparing for my day with the kids.

Yesterday was challenging.  The kids and I had to leave by 730am and she came in again at around 7am, in the middle of my own morning prayers.  I did not like it.  I don’t like being rushed, especially with my alone, quiet time, and so I had to put it aside for a while and attend to her and the kids.

It bothered me the whole day, though, silently, in my heart.  Was I being selfish? What is it, in my heart, that dreads her comings?  I love her, and I like her, but this takes getting used to, having my daily routines disrupted.  I’ve been living on my own with my kids for 10 years now and we’ve developed a healthy, happy, peaceful, comfortable lifestyle amongst our selves, and now, this.

But then, I am reminded that God sends people into our lives for a Higher Purpose, always.  Obviously, God directed her to me because, as she herself said, she finds comfort in my non-judgmental presence. 🙂  But, what is in it for me?

This morning, it became clearer.  As I let my heart freely speak to my God again in morning prayers earlier,  my heart said that I dreaded her comings because of two things:  I felt inadequate to truly help, at a loss on what to say or advice; and, more deeply, I am afraid that I will be pulled back into my past again, the very experience I have long moved on from and which she is currently undergoing.

And God spoke to my heart, gently and quietly, like He/She always does. 🙂

These words from my Joyce Meyer Daily Devotional on my mobile phone spoke to me: “God works through people. .. 2 Cor. 8:14-15 >  But by an equality that now at this time your abundance may be a supply for their want, that their abundance also may be a supply for your want:  that there may be equality.  As it is written, He that had gathered much had nothing over; and he that had gathered little had no lack.”

The Spirit further spoke in my heart:  We are all one, brothers and sisters in Christ and in God:  no judgment, just compassion, caring rebukes when we go astray, Love.

And then, these words from my Bible Diary 2012 further confirmed: “So, then, let your spirit be ready.  Be alert, with confident trust in the grace you will receive… Like obedient children, do not return to your former life given over to ignorance and passions.  Imitate the one who called you.  As He is holy so you, too, be holy in all your conduct, since Scripture says:  Be holy for I am holy.”

I see now that this situation which has come into my life seemingly unbidden is actually a response, too, to my soul request, as I’ve started Youversion’s Bible reading plan on Healing from Divorce some days ago. (Although my physical “divorce”/separation-which-eventually-became-final-as-an-annulment happened around 7-10 years ago, it’s only lately, in the course of my daily prayers, meditation and Bible-reading too, that I’ve been shown in spirit how there are still some deep, unrecognized and unacknowledged wounds from there that need to be surfaced and healed.)

God does speak to us promptly, but usually gently, in all ways, but usually in ways we are particularly attuned to, when we seek Him/Her and speak to Him/Her with all our honest hearts.

Rough

Today was rough.

It started out well enough, with my daily RPM (rise, pee, meditate), but as the day wore on, my heart demanded to be paid attention to.  Emotions and needs I’ve long kept hidden rose up (the meditation process can do that to you in the course of your getting clearer), and I cried my self to sleep as I took a mid-day nap, since I couldn’t do anything productive with my work To Dos anyway.

I woke up clear, though.  And, aimlessly going through my emails while also Facebooking and Twittering, I latched on to Eckhart Tolle’s Present Moment reminders:  “Be Here, Now”.  Accept the Present Moment as it is:  no judgment, no expectations, just acceptance.  Accept the present situation as it is and just see it for what it is:  no judgment, no expectations, no defenses, just acceptance.

Maybe this is precisely what makes it rough:  seeing a significant relationship and person in my life as they really are now, and realizing some illusions that must be finally put to rest.  It’s a sad kind of rough, to have to give up certain illusions.  Because the next thoughts eventually arise:  what next?  what was it all for then?  And that gets really depressing.

But then again, hush, dear heart: “Be Here, Now”.

So, I went back into my room to meditate and just focus on my breathing.  And God was there, as always. Just my God and me, sitting there in the silence, sitting with my pain, and gently comforting me somehow with His/Her quietly loving presence.

That got me through, somehow.

Thank You, Father/Mother God.